i have been having to drive back and forth from austin to beaumont for the last 2 months helping with hurricane relief efforts.  during the travel times one gets bored with the usual freeway driving (unless you in a hurry of course) so i sometimes take all the back roads..the two lane county roads.  these take you through the small towns and farm lands of the coastal plains of texas.

i was making such a trip last week on the way back to austin and for some strange reason i wound up in a small town that i had spent my childhood in.  wallis tx, not much on a map, not much to it period..but it had been home for 5 years.

as you drive into town you see the brand new high school, of course they had to combine three small towns and consolidate into a school district, raise taxes on all those farmers, and hock the towns to be able to afford it…but its there.  the mechanics shop that use to work on dads truck and farm equipment is gone, the metal roof flaps up and down with the wind and you can see the master lock on the front door is rusted shut.  jimmy’s corner store is also deceased, as is jimmy.  jimmy use to buy the eggs that he sold from an old farmer who lived next door to our farm.  he was around 75 or so when i lived there and he was crippled from a farm accident that happened when he was in his 20s, he lived with his brother and his wife who had taken care of him since the accident..every morning he would get up at 5 and go out to the barn and by himself hook up his old mule to a flatbed trailer..then he would go and collect the morning eggs from the hen house, load them all up on the flatbed and drive them into town and sell them to jimmy.  that was his way of helping to support the family and the farm.  hes gone now so is the mule.  i drove by the house and out by the barn is the flatbed trailer with 4 flat tires.

the movie theater is boarded over as is most of the buildings downtown. there is a new metal building that is now the new “city meat market”…the grocery store and service station.  most of the houses looked run down and wore out from years of neglect.  there was a new mobile home park on the outskirts of town and i thought i caught a glimps of a small apartment building behind it.

as i past the city or wallis sign headed out highway 36 i thought of all the memories that i had of this town and the people in it.  wondered if anyone would remember me.  and headed home to austin.

i thought of change..the passing of time..the passing of friends and family.  i thought about me.

would my new life bring me new memories, would i be trapped in the past like an old wooden building or would i be the new “city meat market”

there was an disturbing article i read the other day about a child that was harrased, humiliated, taunted, and then ultimatly murdered by classmates at her school.  with all the death occuring in the world, you may ask what does it matter. is one child of concern. is it a rallying point for change? next year will anyone remember this child?

i am not sure. i know the parents will, the classmate that commited the murder will, the childs friends will.  i will.  my best friend was murder in front of me, sept 4th of this year it will have occured 26 years ago. i remember it everyday.

what would the world be if he had lived? how different. would i be the person i am? i welcome each day as a day that i might be able to help someone overcome the fears of the past.  opportunities to do this are far and few between. most of us keep our fears locked away in that closet in the room with the drapes closed and the door locked. some of us threw the key away long ago. some hold it close hoping that one day we will use it and take the first step, putting it in the lock.

the bullying has taken a life, it controls many, it intimidate all it touches. it feeds on fear. we bully for fear of being bullyed.  to fit in we chose to ostracize another. we find others that differ from ourselves to use as a rallying point . we gravitate towards like  minded mimics whos mind will bend like the wind, these are the dough for the bread that must rise.  can this stop?  not in our lifetime!

we place restrictions on the behaviour, we impose penalties to prevent repeat occurances. then place the ones we are trying to change in with like minded people in prisons or jails. nothing works better than placing 6-8 juvenile offenders in with one therapist, dont you think.  why not place them with a group of the people they are bullying. kids or adults bullying (lets use black people as an example) why not put them in a NAACP MEETING or a black babtist church. place them with the best example of what the group represents. (dont let jesse jackson get one tho). its just a thought.

well ive written for about 30 minutes, havent said shit thats not been said many times before and way more eloquent than i can. plus no nobody reads my crap anyway.

you wake up every morning, wash your face, brush teeth..hair..get the dogs and cat feed. get dressed. try to get down 2 cups of coffee and a bit of breakfast. and if your like me check e-mails.  now a few years ago e-mail was unheard of. no need for this ritual. you checked your voice mail.  then before voice mail, you didnt do shit except leave and go to work.

now i have 4 e-mail accounts, 2 voice mail machines, 2-blogs and 4 regular phones to contend with.  im lucky to get out the door at all in the morning.  then if i do make it out in the world, im worried im going to miss an important e-mail.  anyone remember pay phones?  use to carry a pocket full of quarters, and there were phones on every corner. go find one today. last one i found was a direct line to mexico. now i love mexico (use to live there) but i dont need to call anyone there today.

i cannot bring this aging body to deal with all the modern technology im faced with.  i want a regular pay phone. a mobile phone that doesnt play games or connect me with a computer in ireland. i dont need for my truck to tell me when it thirsty. i had a phone call the other night on my tv. that was hard to talk over the “i love lucy” episode.

im bombarded by information.  i never really did need to know what the average yearly rainfall is in upper leone but it was news the other day.  i can locate anything or one at the drop of a hat.  i can read books in icelanic. (not that i could mind you).

with all this input i have come to one conclusion. i am dumber than i thought. (my computer told me so).  all of my book learning was for naught.  i dont need to learn, just punch a button and the answer is right in front of me. 

i have limited personal contact anymore. i e-mail they e-mail. i fax they fax. my mobile is having an affair with their mobile.  my family sees me through flicker or photosmart. computer screen digital images of my life flashes in front of them in slideshow formats.  i have cd’s from childbirth to graduation, somewhere i have reels of me in 16mm film, where i dont know, they all have been transfered to dvd (available in blu-ray).

i was almost scared to walk out the door the other day, i didnt have my mobile, my digital camera, my laptop. oh wait i can get all that on my phone now.  analog mentality.

i dont know the meaning of all this. my mother would have had so much fun researching her geneology the last 5 year of her life because she was bedridden.  i can get anthing in the world delivered to my house in one day now. i read more, i know more people (the computerized version), i write more, my electric bill is outragous. so what going on. why do i feel so alone.

is anyone listening, is anyone out there?  boy what a dumb question.

the doctor yesterday gave me new meds, so today is a new morning.  i seem to be feeling better than yesterday but for how long.  i take this new medication every fourth day.  so i guess weds will tell if this is going to work for me.

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